i just google imaged poop.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
