tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
