Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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