I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Barsexuality is the new black.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
