I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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