I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Is that strawberry winking at me??
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
