I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
