I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
