i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
