i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We were destined to go to rehab together
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
