Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
40s are totally the cure
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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