im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
