Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
