I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
