1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
