I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize