I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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