My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
