Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
