he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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