Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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