she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
