As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
