DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
