As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
