did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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