You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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