im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize