Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
