just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
