There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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