Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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