I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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