I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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