I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize