tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
