tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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