I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
