Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
