just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
