Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
