I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
