I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
