look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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