just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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