You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
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