I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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