Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
