chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
