I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
