the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Someone shattered a urinal.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
