It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
