drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
