my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
