nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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