It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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