i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm getting married
To pizza
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
