I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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