don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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