that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
