he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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