Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
