you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize