he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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