Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
