You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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