I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
