What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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