i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
