This is not my ceiling
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
