do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
whose parrot is this?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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