Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
There's always time for handjobs
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
