and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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